My friend, Bill.

Today I miss my best friend, Bill. He was the other half of my brain...the male version of me. He's been gone for eight years...and one week from today he would have turned 32 and caught up with me. We were less than two months apart in age, with me coming out on the older side of that equation, but he liked being my 'big brother.'
I just heard the song "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan. It always reminds me of Bill. It's pretty straight forward. Some days it aches like he left five minutes ago as opposed to eight years ago.
There are still some days I'm still pretty pissed at him for ditching me…we were supposed to grow old together in an apartment near the beach filled with wicker furniture like the Golden Girls.

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

I don't have much more to say. Reading those lyrics has me pretty close to tears and I need to keep it together. It's just been an emotional few days for me.
I'm creeping closer to finishing the house and living there and that brings with it all sorts of emotions. Last night, while packing, I found the taped-shut box of photos and memorabilia from my last relationship. I couldn't get rid of everything all at once so I saved the photos and a few other things, put them in a box and taped it shut. That way I'd know what it was when I came across it again.
We all know I couldn't resist picking that scab, so I opened the box, looked at four things, felt sad, and threw it all away. I miss the guy I thought he was.
But, it's all gone now.
This packing thing is like an emotional roller coaster all its own. Finding things…realizing some things have been lost…deciding to throw some things away…deciding to keep other things…it's a lot to deal with and it's the first time I've ever really moved so we're talking DECADES of decisions I’m reliving a little bit at a time.
If I were a hoarder, I could call A&E and have one of their professional therapists come walk me through it. But, it looks like it's just me, the cardboard boxes, the rapidly emptying paint containers and one hot mess to figure out!

Gratitude:
1) I'm grateful for my parents who are the only reasons I will ever finish fixing up my house.
2) I'm glad I worked ahead a little more than usual last week because it's easing a bit of the deadline burden today.
3) I'm grateful to have accidentally found www.jango.com. It enabled me to very, very quickly create an online 'radio' station with my favorite artists. I used to LOVE country music...but my ex was in a country band and it soured me on the entire genre. I'm trying to ease back into it. I forgot how much I liked George Strait and Rascal Flatts! It's neat to go from George to Daughtry without rummaging through CDs (I have no idea where any CDs are at this point of the packing process anyway!)
~kll