Monday, April 26, 2010


That's right, I'm moving in five days.
That's five more days of painting, cleaning, packing, working two jobs, painting, cleaning and packing! I hold no illusions that everything will be painted, cleaned or packed within the next five days but I do know that the number of nights I will lay my head down to sleep under my parents' roof is dwindling.
How weird to even say that. How weird for that even to be true.
I've been working on this house since March 10 and wanted to be in by April 1 -- I wish I knew what I was smoking way back then, I should get some more of that -- and will be in by May 1. I will be in by May 1 whether I'm ready, the house is ready or my parents are ready.
It's time.
I'm more than ready for the stress of this situation to be over. I'm more than ready to spend Saturdays reading a book instead of painting. I'm more than ready to live with all of my belongings under one roof. I'm more than ready to see what this next phase of my life holds for me.
I'm not all that ready to stop living where I live today, though. I walked through the house this morning and had this weird 'not too many times left that you'll walk through this living room on your way out the door to work' feeling that sucker-punched me in the belly.
It's all good, it's all what I want, it's just starting to feel more sentimental as it begins to feel more real. Even though I've been working my butt off at that house nearly every day for more than six weeks, it hasn't really seemed like it was 'my' house -- you know, one that I'll live in soon. It was more like a place to go to work.
This is weird.
Just wanted to post a quick update, cross your fingers for me this week that I get everything done that needs to be done (we'll let that 'wants to be done list' alone for a few days ;)

Monday, April 19, 2010

My friend, Bill.

Today I miss my best friend, Bill. He was the other half of my brain...the male version of me. He's been gone for eight years...and one week from today he would have turned 32 and caught up with me. We were less than two months apart in age, with me coming out on the older side of that equation, but he liked being my 'big brother.'
I just heard the song "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan. It always reminds me of Bill. It's pretty straight forward. Some days it aches like he left five minutes ago as opposed to eight years ago.
There are still some days I'm still pretty pissed at him for ditching me…we were supposed to grow old together in an apartment near the beach filled with wicker furniture like the Golden Girls.

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

I don't have much more to say. Reading those lyrics has me pretty close to tears and I need to keep it together. It's just been an emotional few days for me.
I'm creeping closer to finishing the house and living there and that brings with it all sorts of emotions. Last night, while packing, I found the taped-shut box of photos and memorabilia from my last relationship. I couldn't get rid of everything all at once so I saved the photos and a few other things, put them in a box and taped it shut. That way I'd know what it was when I came across it again.
We all know I couldn't resist picking that scab, so I opened the box, looked at four things, felt sad, and threw it all away. I miss the guy I thought he was.
But, it's all gone now.
This packing thing is like an emotional roller coaster all its own. Finding things…realizing some things have been lost…deciding to throw some things away…deciding to keep other things…it's a lot to deal with and it's the first time I've ever really moved so we're talking DECADES of decisions I’m reliving a little bit at a time.
If I were a hoarder, I could call A&E and have one of their professional therapists come walk me through it. But, it looks like it's just me, the cardboard boxes, the rapidly emptying paint containers and one hot mess to figure out!

1) I'm grateful for my parents who are the only reasons I will ever finish fixing up my house.
2) I'm glad I worked ahead a little more than usual last week because it's easing a bit of the deadline burden today.
3) I'm grateful to have accidentally found It enabled me to very, very quickly create an online 'radio' station with my favorite artists. I used to LOVE country music...but my ex was in a country band and it soured me on the entire genre. I'm trying to ease back into it. I forgot how much I liked George Strait and Rascal Flatts! It's neat to go from George to Daughtry without rummaging through CDs (I have no idea where any CDs are at this point of the packing process anyway!)

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Tuesday gratitude

Today I'm grateful.

1) Someone brought in a huge, gigantic bag of Sarris chocolate-covered pretzels. Seriously, I've seen 20-lb sacks of potatoes that are smaller. Mmm...nom, nom, nom....
2) The sun is shining again! Whoo hoo!
3) I finished deadline a little early today so I'm heading to City Hall to do a quick interview and then over to my house to paint for a couple of hours before my recreation board meeting tonight. I realize that none of the things in that sentence sound like any fun, but the the gratitude comes in because I thought I wouldn't be able to paint at my house at all this week...and the goal, as always, is to finish ASAP!!!
4)Mmm...nom, nom, nom...(yes, it deserves to be mentioned twice)
5) I ran out of coffee this a.m. and got a chance to have some ginger peach tea, which was sent my way by a very thoughtful friend.
6) I'm grateful that I got out of work fairly early last night and was nearly able to get a full-night's rest. For a Monday, that says a lot.
7) I'm grateful that none of the coal miners I know work in WV...and I'm heartbroken for those who are grieving and even more heartbroken for those who are waiting...
8) I'm grateful that my Aunt Diana packed up a bunch of food for us after Easter and I was able to pack a lunch and a dinner for today!
9) I'm so glad to have discovered the 'autoplay' and playlist options on YouTube, which has given me access to a bunch of music while I work.
10) I'm glad that the woman I am today has 10 (printable) things to be grateful for in the middle of the craziest workday of her week...imagine what a lazy Thursday could bring?

Monday, April 5, 2010

Monday gratitude

1) I'm grateful that I have a father who was willing to wake up early on his last day off to go to my house and paint, which he hates.
2) I'm grateful that when my car decided to blow a gasket...or whatever...that I was within a half-mile of my father.
3) I'm grateful that when I 'made' my dad ditch the painting for the car-repair, which he hates even more, he fixed it up in no time.

I'm a lucky girl.

Friday, April 2, 2010


I have been following AKA Attitude of Gratitude (A-o-G) for a few years now and about a month ago, he wrote his last post ... at least for a little while.
I'm really hoping he'll return to blogging because he offered something that few people realize they need until they need it. A-o-G is an alcoholic who has been sober for quite a while and his blog incorporates his program following the steps, his gratitude for his sober life, and maybe the world's best quotes to make you think.
I found this blog when my best friend M was searching the Internet for me in hopes of finding some things to improve my mood. She is always right about everything...not in a drive-you-crazy way, but in a why-does-she-have-to-live-in-Japan-when-I-need-her-always-perfect-advice kind of way.
Attitude of Gratitude (A-o-G) found me at a time when I was in love with someone who was also having a 'relationship' with a significantly older, married woman. He also turned out to be an addict ... and so did I.
I turned out to be addicted to his drama without even realizing it. From the moment I met him, he was a person in desperate need of help and I was a person in desperate need of giving help and being needed. It turned out to be a dangerous combination.
A-o-G sort of helped me to 'work the steps' through my own 'addiction' and helped me to understand him in a way that let me let go of him.
It taught me how important it is for addicts to want help and to want a different life. When it came right down to it, he didn't want another life and he didn't want help...he just wanted people to want to help him.
And A-o-G helped me to walk away without looking back. It might sound ridiculous, but the day I decided I was done...I was done. I have absolutely no idea if he's even alive, or living in this state or living in another country -- and it has to be that way for me.
I only bring him up so I can bring up the blog, because I miss it. I miss the daily pearls of wisdom, so I'm going to start re-reading the blog from its inception. That's a solid few years of reading before I hit the point when I joined his journey.
I used to have another blog, which turned into something that was more about my ex and less about me, which I've abandoned.
But at one point, I tried to duplicate A-o-G's efforts and tried to list three things I was grateful for each day.
It was also part of the therapy I took advantage of during the break up, it was my homework to remember three things that were good about each day because there were days that were pretty dark for me and sometimes it was pretty hard to come up with three whole things to be thankful about.
When I instinctively tried to check A-o-G's blog today, it reminded me of how hard I used to try to find something to be grateful for so I could hit my three-a-day minimum.
I can't believe I lived like that!
And that's what this blog is all about. Anything can happen, child...anything can be.
A year ago I was in a dead-end job (excuse the cliche) that I HATED, in an office I despised, working with a handful of people I couldn't handle being around, living with my parents, and basically seeing no way out.
In April 2009, I learned about the job opening for the editor's position and slowly things began to change for me.
On May 1, 2009, I interviewed for and received the editor's position I hold today. On May 1, 2010, I will be living in a house I purchased and am fixing up for myself.
Again, I'm sorry about the cliche, but what a difference a year makes!

1) I'm so thankful for the sunshine today.
2) I'm grateful for the fun people who work in my office.
3) I'm so excited to see my family this weekend and to maybe get a chance to show off the progress on the house.
Believe me, I could go on and on, but I won't bore you too much today. I'm going to be much more diligent in acknowledging my gratitude before signing off after each post. I owe it to A-o-G, and to M, and to myself to remember that things are oh-so-good these days.