garden done!

The flower bed project is complete.



Above and below: After moving the dirt around (and finding pieces of glass, aluminum foil, pop tabs and a huge chunk of what appears to be quartz) and planting the flowers. Mostly begonias and marigolds...not much else likes as much sun as my flower bed will get each day.


For the final touch, I added rubber mulch, which is allegedly good for the environment and doesn't need to be replaced as often.

Keep our fingers crossed that the flowers take root and thrive!

~kll

Gardening!

My friend, M, who has this sort of 'character in a novel' opinion of me -- and by that I mean, she sees my entire character and as if she's writing my story she can envision me doing all sorts of things that I'm either already doing or hope to do one day.
A while ago she wrote about my new house and said she imagined me reading while drinking green tea and sitting near a flower garden of my own making. I laughed out loud at that vision as it stretched from Japan to my email inbox.
The email came as I was sitting in my living room, which was just far enough away from the unpacked boxes of clothes and office stuff still crammed in my office but not far enough away that I was able to forget about all of the things I hadn't accomplished yet. And here's M talking about flower gardens!
The previous owners did a few awesome things while they were there. They built a flower bed, planted three perennials in that bed, secured it with a blanket meant to keep out weeds and covered it in mulch. They also planted two big day lilies near the curb, also secured with a weed blanket and covered in mulch.
Because this is my first season as a homeowner, I was forced to take a 'wait and see' approach to the flower garden. I had no idea how many perennials were in the bed so I didn't want to waste too much time or money tinkering with it until I was sure everything that was going to poke through the soil had come up. I was also forced to wait by my amazing energy drain after months of fixing up the house and packing, so it worked well.
This past weekend a friend needed an ear and a chance to get out of the house. I quickly enlisted him in manual labor and unpacked all of the clothing boxes, built a garment rack and moved into the large closet off of the office. It took hours. Now the desk must be built so I can unpack the other office boxes...until the desk exists, there is no where to put said office stuff...
In the meantime, I bought a second flower basket to balance the basket my coworkers gave me a month ago, and I bought a half-flat of flowers. I didn't think I'd need any more than that because I was under the impression that the clematis plants were covering the garden with an ivy-like plant. Then I found out it was a weed...a very insidious weed that was actually choking all of the existing perennials. As shown below:

I knew I had to get rid of the weed blanket for two reasons: 1) it's not killing any weeds 2) I needed to get under it to plant the new flowers.
So last night, over the course of nearly two hours, I worked to get rid of the weed blanket, the old mulch and the massive ivy-like weeds.

Just getting cleaning up the mulch and rolling the blanket was a bit more labor-intensive than I'd imagined.


It took a lot of work with the garden shears, a lot of tugging and finally using an actual set of scissors to disentangle this weed from all of the actual plants. The roots looked like tree roots. When I was done, the pile of weeds stood about knee-high.


Wrapping up the blanket and the old mulch and weeds was one thing, wiggling it into a garbage bag was something the drivers sure enjoyed as they passed my front yard!
After a long, hard fight, I was finally able to recapture my flower bed in the name of flowers and perennials everywhere!
DIRT!

Now over the next couple of days I just have to pick up some more flowers, some new mulch and find the time in my schedule to finish this project!
It's funny, but for me, I couldn't really feel like a piece of property was mine until my fingers were caked with its dirt. When the worms squiggle away from you, the hard-packed earth parts beneath your tools and your very own roots start to stretch out -- it becomes yours.
So, while there are still cardboard boxes filled to the brim in this house, in the end, M was right. I would find the right ways and the right time to turn this house into my home. And last night I sat beside my flower garden, reading and drinking -- well, I had a cold beer -- okay? It was a little warm for the green tea, but the feeling that M 'wrote' for me was definitely there.
~kll

randomness

Wow.
It's been nearly a month since I've had any blog to share. It's not that there haven't been bloggy things going on or that there have been no thoughts to contribute -- it's just a slump I guess.
When I look back over the last few weeks and try to figure out where the time has gone, the only thing I can really come up with is a list of things that my time was NOT spent on. It certainly wasn't spent cleaning my house. It most definitely wasn't spent by finishing the unpacking of the dozens of boxes in my alleged office. It sure wasn't spent by cleaning out the flower garden and adding new flowers. It wasn't spent working on that book I'm allegedly writing. Hmmm....What the heck have I been doing?
Well, one thing that has kept me a smidge busy has been building things. I had no idea I was so handy. Or allegedly handy. Since the first week of June I've built four nightstands/end tables, a treadmill, a buffet table, a curio cabinet and have attached a hose holder thingy to the exterior of my house. Once I unpack the boxes in my alleged office, I'll be building my desk.
I've turned on my air conditioning and given up on trying to keep it off all summer. I have it set to 75 degrees, hoping that will spare me some horrific bill.
I bought a bunch of hooks that you attach to walls with an adhesive that supposedly won't damage paint and will hold up to X number of pounds for things like baseball hats, keys, and towels. Nearly all of the hooks hung in my living room have fallen...one of them peeled paint from my lemon ginger wall, which I thankfully I was able to quickly repaint. Those hooks stayed up for days before falling, any ideas on what made them fall or how to keep them up?
I have discovered a LOVE of frozen berries. I love, love, love berries of all kinds (except for cherries, I know it's un-American). But the problem with berries is twofold. 1) They are expensive. 2) They are expensive and come in ridiculously small quantities that, let's face it, I could eat before I arrive home from the store. Frozen berries are relatively inexpensive and come in huge quantities, relatively speaking, and you don't have to worry about them going bad. I buy strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, raspberries and peaches (I know, not a berry), and I empty some of each into a Tupperware-ish container in the morning, take it to work, let it thaw and eat them plain in the afternoon.
IT'S AWESOME. I get the generic brand and there is literally nothing in the packaging except for the berry or the peach, no sugar added, no preservatives, just berries that are cheaper and frozen.
I desperately need to find some energy, clean my house and unpack my boxes. I'm going to hire a carpet cleaner to come do my house, and I'd like to do it ASAP, but I need to finish some unpacking first.
My to-do list is like an imaginary thing that I keep mentally adding to, but never really writing down because I'm afraid it will completely overwhelm me.
I'm nearing the end of "Eat, Pray, Love." Since moving into my house I've finished two books and am working the third. That's three more than I was able to finish in the previous 12 months. I knew moving would make a difference in that area for sure.
My mother and I saw Sex and the City II on Sunday afternoon. Not to give anything away, but Liza Minnelli performs "All the Single Ladies" and it's HILARIOUS.
I'm actively seeking tips on improving my energy levels. Anyone with any advice, no matter how weird, please send it my way. I just can't quite maintain any level of energy throughout the day and I have so much to do, the list gets longer and I just get drowsier. It's extremely frustrating.
Gratitude: 1) I'm grateful to be heading on a mini-camping adventure this weekend with my friends and family. 2) I'm grateful for Ginger Ale. 3) I'm extremely grateful for the first-time home buyer tax credit. Simply put, there is no way I could have done this without it. 4) I'm grateful for my job, which I still adore. 5) I'm grateful for my coworkers, whom I adore. 6) I'm grateful for things that are covered in chocolate icing.
~kll

A worthy cause

Bloggers all know that along with writing tid-bits about our daily lives, we tend to be 'lurkers' as well. Reading various other blogs written by people we know, people we kinda know, people who know people we know, and people we will never, ever know personally.

Two of the blogs I check daily have one thing in common today. A Pittsburgh-area mother who lost her two children in a horrific car accident is working to build a play area in a city park as a way of memorializing her children who were 4 and I think 6 at the time they died. A councilman and some 'not-in-my-back-yard' folks are opposing her wish to spend non public funds on public enjoyment and education.

If you're so inclined, read these entries and if further inclined, lend your support.

http://thatschurch.com/2010/05/26/in-this-corner-with-tears-in-my-eyes/

http://callapitter46.blogspot.com/2010/05/kate-and-peters-treehouse-good-news-and.html

It will never cease to amaze me the limits some people will reach while attempting to keep things in their world exactly the way they want it with no regard for others.

~kll

changes

There have been so many changes in life this year. Since May 1, 2009, every. single. thing. changed.
Job, changed. Boss, changed. Place I spend majority of my time, changed. Home, changed. People I spend the most time with, changed. Physically, changed. Attitude, changed.
Not all of the changes have been positive all of the time, but nearly all of them are just that – positive all the time.
The amazing thing, however, is that on April 30, 2009, I could have given you a list of 100 things I wanted to change about my life. Today, a little more than one year later, and I can only think of three…and most of them go hand in hand.
There are probably a million things I could dream for, things meant only for wishing stars. But when it comes to reality, things I genuinely want to change – really things I’d like to add to my life … there are just three.
I’ll only talk about one of those things here, the other two are more the type of things that 1) you talk about after they’ve been accomplished or 2) you talk about as you make moves toward accomplishing them.
For now, I’ll just talk about the change that I see as something I can handle immediately. I really want to see and talk to my friends and family more often. It sounds so simple, doesn’t it?
Through this year of working two jobs, buying and fixing up a house and moving, it’s arguably the thing that fell furthest by the wayside…well it probably comes in second.
This week, I’m hoping to spend some of my free time – I have that now that I’m not painting for four hours a night anymore! – on figuring out a plan to achieve these three things before this year is up.
I guess this is me, warning you, that I’m genuinely going to try to stay in better touch with the people I love most. And if you’re reading this, that might mean you…so prepare yourself ;)
~KLL

Thinking

I've been a little out of it for a little more than a week.
Hearing about Elmer's death threw me for a loop. I'm still trying to ascertain what exactly happened to him and I'm still trying to decide if writing a letter to his foster mother is a good idea.
Part of me is bothered that she may have assumed I knew and didn't care. I know how hard things were for her with him when he was younger and struggling and judging by the few facts I have been able to piece together, it looks like it got steadily worse in the months immediately preceding his death.
Mostly, I just want her to know that she wasn't the only one who loved him and wanted more for him and hoped for more for him.
But it's been several years and I don't want to be a person who causes her more pain by bringing up a painful subject...any advice cyber land?
The hurt is easing a bit, I found the remainder of his letters and read them several times a day for several days in a row until I finally put them out of sight again. Reading them, I could almost feel myself falling for him all over again. I could hear his voice saying the words and I laughed out loud more than once and I remembered why I loved him so much.
Then I missed him and grieved for him. Now I just want to be able to find out as much as I can, I can't explain it but I have to know what happened. I just have to know. I hope to visit his grave and say goodbye.

I think one of the things that bothers me the most about his death -- aside from the obvious -- is that I've had four real relationships in my life. At least they were real to me. The first was Elmer, a guy we'll call L, a guy we'll call XL and a guy we'll call the ex.
If anything were ever to happen to L or XL, or if they were, for some reason, to need me, they would know how to contact me. We have friends, more like family, in common. I don't know much about their daily lives, haven't talked to either in a very long time, but I know they're well and happy and okay.
With Elmer and the ex, the emotions were deeper. When I walked away, I walked away.
There were no hard feelings between Elmer and I. but I didn't necessarily ever want to know if he was married or something. It would have hurt to know that he married someone else.
With the ex, I walked away for very different reasons and there are hard feelings. Very hard feelings.
But I think I've always consoled myself and my know-nothing approach with the theory that if anything ever really happened to either of them of if they ever, for some reason, needed me, someone would let me know. A family member, a mother, a brother, a cousin, a friend would get in touch with me.
Then I found out Elmer had a pretty serious downward spiral and died and it took six years for the news to get to me. And that pretty much blew that theory of mine out the window. And that stinks. And, honestly, it makes me sad.

Do you want to know the truth? I think this particular piece of news hit me at the exact wrong time. I've spent most of the minutes of this halfway-gone year on house hunting, house buying, house closing, house renovating, working two jobs, moving, packing and unpacking, and myriad other stressful life experiences.
Quite simply, I'm exhausted. Absolutely exhausted. What I really, really need is a vacation, a chance to take better care of myself, a few days to sleep in, a few massages, a camping trip, and the free time to take care of myself on a regular basis. And then I can put my thoughts back in order. I need more time to talk to and focus on my friends and family and just get back to being myself.

A friend of mine closes her blogs from time to time with the phrase 'ever on the journey.' I think that's such a beautiful use of words. Thanks for checking in on my journey from time to time. I'm working toward having more exciting adventures to write about shortly -- but for now, thanks for being 'ever on the journey' with me.
~KLL

My first love

When I was 14 or 15, I met a guy named Elmer over the phone. My friend was ‘dating’ a kid named Jesse and they wanted to set me up with Jesse’s cousin. I was at my friend’s house one day when she handed me the phone…it was Elmer.
This kid was straight up confident. He talked to me for a few minutes, asked me a few questions and within minutes he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend.
I couldn’t speak for a minute…who was this guy? I’m pretty sure I made up an imaginary boyfriend and told him I couldn’t be his girlfriend.
And then I met him. We used to hang out at this game room and play pool and air hockey and play the jukebox a few times a week. One night, my friend and I walked in to the game room and I looked across the room, locked eyes with this insanely gorgeous guy with blue-green eyes and whispered to my friend, “WHO is he?” It was Elmer. Hands-down the most attractive guy I've ever known.
I couldn’t make this up, the song “Crazy for You” by Madonna came on the jukebox and he started walking over to me. We played air hockey – I won – and he asked me again to be his girlfriend, and I said “Yes.”
We were crazy in love. He used to say “I loooovesss you!” in this weird southern accent that cracked me up. He couldn’t find his way out of a wet paper bag – when he started driving his foster mom loaned him the caravan and we would drive to Mammoth Park and get lost every single time. He made up crazy stories like my dad used to and I remember thinking that he was so much like my dad…and you know they say little girls fall in love with boys just like their fathers. If he was late calling one night he would tell me a story about being in combat in Vietnam and injuring his dialing finger or something equally ridiculous. Before he could finish spinning his silly tale I was laughing and had forgotten to be mad at him.
He wrote me actual love letters. Put them in the mail and everything. I’m pretty sure he was the last person who ever put pencil to paper, went on for three pages about how much he loved me, put a stamp on the envelope (sprayed the envelope with cologne), and put it in the actual mail.
“I love you more than I loved any woman and I’ll do anything to keep the feelings I have for you alive. I know I mess up a lot, but it’s never on purpose. And it seems every time I get you, I somehow let you slip away. But not this time….I’m going to grab a hold of you before someone else does.”
This is from a letter he wrote to me the day before I left to work at summer camp…maybe the summer after I graduated high school, I can’t remember which summer (There were three summers at camp).
“Take this letter with you on your adventures because I don’t want you to forget about me and run off with some tall, dark, handsome Italian guy named Guido or something. I need nothing, you’ll always be in my heart.
“You were the best thing that ever happened to my life. And I appreciate it. I just hope I can make you feel the same and return the favor. I promise you that no one will ever hurt you when I’m with you. You mean a great deal to me and I will always protect you. I don’t have a whole lot to offer you except for my love. I ain’t much, but you got to admit I make you laugh. I love you so very much.
“Remember our song (I cross my heart)? How could you forget? Every time I hear it not being by your side tears a tear from a young man’s heart.
Love always, Remle (a nickname I had for him).”

We were together, off and on for about six years. I can’t remember why we actually broke up, I’m sure it had something to do with me being in college and him being at home.
Once, after college, he called me and the part I remember is him saying that he was trying to remember the last time he was really happy and it was when he was with me. So he was calling in hopes I was still at my parents’ house and that we could see each other.
I agreed. I’m pretty sure I was dating someone else at that time, but it was Elmer. I just had to see him. We were so completely connected.
He picked me up, he wasn’t driving the caravan anymore…we had dinner and we saw how different we were that day. I don’t want to go into that, too much. It’s hard to explain. But I knew it, he knew it…it just wasn’t going to happen that day.
But there is this weird part of me that I think has always assumed there would be this day…well you know.
I cross my heart, by George Strait, was our song, the song he was talking about in his letter. Yesterday while listening to an online radio station, the song came on. It struck me hard. I can’t remember the last time I heard it, but instantly I thought of Elmer. Of his smile, holding his hand, laughing at his jokes…
So I did an internet search …I wonder what he’s up to? Yesterday I found something that I wasn’t sure was him, but if it was him, he was married. I couldn’t stop thinking about it for some reason. Today, I listened to the song again and did another search. The first search was wrong. He isn’t married.

I found this:
Elmer E. Pritts, 25, of Greensburg, formerly of Stahlstown, died Wednesday, April 21, 2004. He was born July 24, 1978, in Mt. Pleasant. He worked as a machinist at R&M Machine in Latrobe. He attended Family Fellowship Christian Center in Donegal and New Life Tabernacle Church in Greensburg.

He died.

Six years ago.

I had no idea. No one let me know. It happened about two years after the last time I saw him. It doesn’t say how he died or what happened. It wasn’t online, so I’m guessing it wasn’t an accident…no mention of a hospital in the obit, I’m guessing it wasn’t an illness. I found his foster mother’s address and am considering sending a letter. She and I used to talk on the phone when he and I would fight…she did her best to help us through anything.

I don’t know how to feel. I’m sad. I really am. I came home from work tonight and dug out my scrapbook. I saw pictures of us at my sweet 16 party and found this letter…I’m not sure where the others are, I know they’re around here somewhere. I wonder whatever happened to the letters I sent to him. I wonder if anyone has read them and remembered how much I loved him…or if he ditched them a long time ago. Knowing him, he wouldn’t have gotten rid of them. I wonder why he died and how. I’m wondering about all the ‘what-ifs.’ What if we had given it another try…what if, what if, what if…
He wanted to marry me. I assumed we would get married after I was done with college…I didn’t expect college to make that impossible. We were just different. We grew apart, dated other people…you know how it is.

Here’s the thing. I loved him, I really did. And he loved me. He might have been the only man I’ve ever been with who genuinely loved me. And we grew apart, lost touch and he died.

I wonder what he thinks of me now. Buying this house, being an editor…sitting on my couch looking at my scrapbook and thinking about him after all this time.

I’m sorry you died so young, Elmer. You deserved a better life than the one you were dealt. I’m sorry we couldn’t parlay our teen/twenties love into something that could have lasted forever like we’d hoped. I’m sorry I wasn’t at your funeral, I hope someone who loved you just as much was there for you.

I don’t know what I thought I was going to do if my googling had ‘found’ him today. I don’t know if I thought I was going to try to contact him, or what. But I know that I’m sad that the point is moot.

“I cross my heart”

Our love is unconditional, we knew it from the start.
I see it in your eyes, you can feel it from my heart.
From here on after let's stay the way we are right now,
And share all the love and laughter
That a lifetime will allow.

I cross my heart and promise to
Give all I've got to give to make all your dreams come true.
In all the world you'll never find a love as true as mine.

You will always be the miracle that makes my life complete,
And as long as there's a breath in me, I'll make yours just as sweet.
As we look into the future, it's as far as we can see,
So let's make each tomorrow be the best that it can be.

I cross my heart and promise to
Give all I've got to give to make all your dreams come true.
In all the world you'll never find a love as true as mine.

And if along the way we find a day it starts to storm,
You've got the promise of my love to keep you warm.
In all the world you'll never find a love as true as mine,
A love as true as mine.


My Remle, I’m so sorry you’re gone. Love, me.